Announcing a Diesel Duck Recall:

This recall involves the 36 handles securing both the four hatches and the five metal doors on your Diesel Duck.
Please take your Diesel Duck to the nearest Diesel Duck Service Center. Just Google DDSC and put in your zip code for the service center nearest you. Or; as an alternative, you can follow these instructions to fix it yourself. The lines at the service center can be long.
The problem is without frequent use the brass handle shafts can become frozen in the collars that penetrate the doors and hatches which are comprised of an unknown material. The solution will require the following tools: Small flat screwdriver, hammer with plastic head, (a real hammer with a block of wood will work), a 11/16 inch socket and ratchet to turn it with, and a hefty amount of grease. Don’t forget those paper towels and eye protection. If you are concerned with STD please wear a condom.
Procedure: Remove the plastic cap covering the handle nut with the screwdriver. Remove the nut and spacer washers. Remove the handle and the plastic spacer between it and the door. What you will have left is the outside handle with the brass shaft through the collar. If corrosion is not too bad you can twist, grunt, curse, and hammer to get the handle out. If it is hopelessly frozen the only thing you can do is spray it with the thinnest penetrating oil you can find and wait.
After both handles have been removed, clean the brass shaft of debris with a brush. Your wife’s toothbrush will work fine. This debris will be the results of combining the brass shaft and the collar of unknown material together. After the shaft has been thoroughly cleaned, apply a generous amount of grease to the shaft. Reinstall the shaft into the collar of unknown material and immediately pull it out again. The grease overage will have accumulated around the opening of the collar of unknown material, which will be the source for you to lubricate the collar. Re-reinstall the handle and work backwards from the beginning.
When tightening the self-locking nut, hold the ratchet in one hand and the opposing handle in the other. Rotate in opposite directions while tightening the nut and turning the handle to check resistance. When you’re comfortable with the resistance of the rotating motion of the handle, reinstall the plastic cap, wipe off the grease and you’re done….with that handle. Repeat 35 times, once for each handle.
Hazards: Dropping handles overboard while hammering them out of the collar of unknown material. Condom falling off during procedure and in some cases, overboard.
I hope everyone got the notice about drilling the hatch hinge housings and installing grease fittings to prevent the same problem of materials of different ancestral backgrounds being combined.
This should eliminate any problems for years to come but once restriction is noticed in the rotating motion of the handles the procedure should be repeated. The permanent fix for combining material of unknown back grounds is to put a plastic bushing over the brass shaft and drill out the collar. Adding grease fittings to this would qualify your Diesel Duck to be launched into space on a NASA rocket.

Compiled by Randal Johnson, who is not responsible for its content due to being in the heat too long.

I had some very experienced, and expensive, Japanese engineers in the transportation industry analyze this problem. They reported that the lever jamming is caused by loose floor rugs slipping out of place.

Keep your rugs (and Ducks) in order!